Random Bits of Randomness

Story by Papasunshine…

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All in all, it hadn’t been a good day. Bad traffic, a malfunctioning computer, incompetent coworkers and a sore back all made me a seething cauldron of rage. But more importantly for this story, it had been over forty-eight hours since I’d last taken a dump. I’d tried to jumpstart the process, beginning my day with a bowl of bowel-cleansing fiber cereal, following it with six cups of coffee at work, and adding a bean-laden lunch at Taco b*ll. As I was returning home from work, my insides let me know with subtle rumbles and the emission of the occasional tiny fart that Big Things would be happening soon. Alas, I had to stop at the mall to pick up an order for my wife. I completed this task, and as I was walking past the stores on my way back to the car, I noticed a large sale sign proclaiming, “Everything Must Go!” This was prophetic, for my colon informed me with a sudden violent cramp and a wet, squeaky fart that everything was indeed about to go. I hurried to the mall bathrooms. I surveyed the five stalls, which I have numbered 0 through 4 (I write a lot of software) for your convenience:

0. Occupied.

1. Clean, but Bathroom Protocol forbids its use, as it’s next to the occupied one.

2. Poo on seat.

3. Poo and toilet paper in bowl, unidentifiable liquid splattered on seat.

4. No toilet paper, no stall door, unidentifiable sticky object near base of toilet.

Clearly, it had to be Stall #1. I trudged back, entered, dropped my pants and sat down. I’m normally a fairly Shameful Sh1tter. I wasn’t happy about being next to the occupied stall, but Big Things were afoot.

I was just getting ready to bear down when all of a sudden the sweet sounds of Beethoven came from next door, followed by a fumbling, and then the sound of a voice answering the ringing phone. As usual for a cell phone conversation, the voice was exactly 8dB louder than it needed to be. Out of Shameful habit, my sphincter slammed shut. The inane conversation went on and on. Mr. Sh1tter was blathering to Mrs. Sh1tter about the sh1tty day he had. I sat there, cramping and miserable, waiting for him to finish. As the loud conversation dragged on, I became angrier and angrier, thinking that I, too, had a crappy day, but I was too polite to yak about in public. My bowels let me know in no uncertain terms that if I didn’t get crapping soon, my day would be getting even crappier.

Finally my anger reached a point that overcame Shamefulness. I no longer cared. I gripped the toilet paper holder with one hand, braced my other hand against the side of the stall, and pushed with all my might. I was rewarded with a fart of colossal magnitude — a cross between the sound of someone ripping a very wet bed sheet in half and of plywood being torn off a wall. The sound gradually transitioned into a heavily modulated low-RPM tone, not unlike someone firing up a Harley. I managed to hit the resonance frequency of the stall, and it shook gently.

Once my @ss cheeks stopped flapping in the breeze, three things became apparent:
(1) The next-door conversation had ceased;
(2) my colon’s continued seizing indicated that there was more to come; and
(3) the bathroom was now beset by a horrible, eldritch stench.

It was as if a gateway to Hell had been opened. The foul miasma quickly made its way under the stall and began choking my poop-mate. This initial “herald” fart had ended his conversation in mid-sentence.

“Oh my God,” I heard him utter, following it with suppressed sounds of choking, and then, “No, baby, that wasn’t me (cough, gag), you could hear that (gag)??”

Now there was no stopping me. I pushed for all I was worth. I could swear that in the resulting cacophony of rips, squirts, splashes, poots, and blasts, I was actually lifted slightly off the pot. The amount of stuff in me was incredible. It sprayed against the bowl with tremendous force. Later, in surveying the damage, I’d see that liquid poop had actually managed to
ricochet out of the bowl and run down the side on to the floor. But for now, all I could do was hang on for the ride.

Next door I could hear him fumbling with the paper dispenser as he desperately tried to finish his task. Little snatches of conversation made themselves heard over my anal symphony: “Gotta go… horrible… throw up… in my mouth… not… make it… tell the kids… love them… oh God…” followed by more sounds of suppressed gagging and retching.

Alas, it is evidently difficult to hold one’s phone and wipe one’s bum at the same time. Just as my high-pressure abuse of the toilet was winding down, I heard a plop and splash from next door, followed by string of swear words and gags. My poop-mate had dropped his phone into the toilet.

There was a lull in my production, and the restroom became deathly quiet. I could envision him standing there, wondering what to do. A final anal announcement came trumpeting from my behind, small chunks plopping noisily into the water. That must have been the last straw. I heard a flush, a fumbling with the lock, and then the stall door was thrown open. I heard him running out of the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.

After a considerable amount of paperwork, I got up and surveyed the damage. I felt bad for the janitor who’d be forced to deal with this, but I knew that flushing was not an option. No toilet in the world could handle that unholy mess. Flushing would only lead to a floor flooded with filth.

As I left, I glanced into the next-door stall. Nothing remained in the bowl. Had he flushed his phone, or had he plucked it out and left the bathroom with nasty unwashed hands? The world will never know.

I exited the bathroom, momentarily proud and Shameless, looking around for a face glaring at me. But I saw no one. I suspect that somehow my supernatural elimination has managed to transfer my Shamefulness to my anonymous poop-mate. I think it’ll be a long time before he can bring himself to poop in public — and I doubt he’ll ever again answer his cell phone in the loo. And this, my friends, is why you should never talk on your phone in the bathroom.

The above question was posted to an online forum that I frequent.  Below is my response.

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Because, as soon as the government takes ownership of a company in any sector of business, immediately it limits (or potentially eliminates) competition. How can you compete against a business with access to unlimited money and who makes all the rules??? You can’t. And once the competition is eliminated, there is no check and balance to the variety and cost of services provided or products sold. 

We absolutely don’t want a bunch of government monopolies everywhere. Anyone remember the cost of a long distance call under AT&T before it was broken up? Or even the cost of a local call??? Now there are unlimited plans countrywide for 20 bucks a month. Thank you competition.

With the government having ownership interest (and majority interest mind you) in a bank, how long do you think it will be before they start dictating how they operate? And once it begins down that road, the competition is screwed. And the last thing we want is 25% interest on loans while getting less than 1% on savings. That is where we are headed if there is no competition and government is operating the banks for profit.

Competiton is the only way to ensure fair prices, variety in selection and continued innovation in the market… and you can’t compete against government.

Obama Faithfully Tries The Oath Of Office

Hint…  Here comes socialism…

Change I can believe in.

Video of the NYC Plane Crash rescue in the Hudson

I have for a long time avoided using Google apps for my mail because working with multiple mail accounts in a browser is less than satisfactory.  However, last fall I decided that upgrading my mail server for better spam protection was just too expensive so I made the move.  Overall, Google apps mail (essentially gmail on your own domain) is very functional and has great spam protection.

The biggest problem is when you have multiple accounts.  For example, I have to monitor  jsouthwell@arcanatech.com, sales@arcanatech.com and support@arcanatech.com.  In a normal email application, it is easy to add multiple accounts and monitor each as needed.  However it’s not so easy with browser based email as you have to log out and log in to swap between accounts.  I tried just opening new browser windows (or tabs) for each, but gmail doesn’t like that.  You actually will get a dialog pop up saying that you have logged into a new account and will log out the other tab.  Very frustrating.

I’ve downloaded several gmail toolbar applications that claim to support multiple accounts but none solve the problem of having multiple accounts open at the same time.

I recently downloaded Google’s Chrome 2.0 as I heard that it better supported distinct profiles and I suspected that I could create profiles for each email account and use Chrome’s cool app feature to create links to my email accounts from each profile.  Unfortunately the app feature doesn’t seem to remember the profile used to launch the link so that didn’t work.

However, I found that I could manually create shortcuts to web pages that specify the profile I want to use.  This almost completely solves the problem.  For example, shortcut one links to:

C:\Users\jason\AppData\Local\Google\Chrome\Application\chrome.exe —user-data-dir=”....\User Data-jsouthwell@arcanatech.com” —app=”http://mail.google.com/a/arcanatech.com”

and shortcut two links to:

C:\Users\jason\AppData\Local\Google\Chrome\Application\chrome.exe —user-data-dir=”....\User Data-sales@arcanatech.com” —app=”http://mail.google.com/a/arcanatech.com”

Now when I click on link one, I get a cookie space dedicated to jsouthwell@arcanatech.com and link two gives me a cookie space dedicated to sales@arcanatech.com.  The result, I can have multiple windows open for multiple gmail accounts on the same domain with no conflicts.

All I need now is a good taskbar notification app for multiple gmail accounts that link to the correct shortcut to launch for each account.  Then I’d be very very happy.

(note, this solution likely will work in the currently released version of Chrome but I haven’t tried.  It also may work in other browsers that support user profiles launched from the command line)

Apple Announces the New MacBook Wheel